Forgiveness

The topic of forgiveness has been coming up a lot recently, so I thought I would take a moment to heed the signals by exploring and writing about it.  Honestly, I usually don’t think about this topic much.  I do believe it is something that is important for personal freedom and in relationships, so it comes up mostly in my work with clients.

But, personally, I haven’t paid much attention because I “understand” a lot of why people do what they do and believe that things occur in my world for a reason, so haven’t felt much of a need to focus on forgiveness. 

Well, it’s great to “understand”, but, as David Richo says “the mind knows about these explanations, but the body does not” (When Love Meets Fear, p. 27).  We know that the body is the where emotion is stored, so, really, intellectual understanding doesn’t exactly accomplish the work of letting go. 

While forgiveness has been coming up as a theme, the practice of Ho’oponopono has been presenting itself.  Ho’oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and reconciliation. 

What attracted me is that the practice centers around the belief that we create and attract everything that is in our lives.  I love this for three reasons.  First of all, blaming other people and outside circumstances is just plain unproductive.  Second, if we acknowledge something as our responsibility, it puts that feeling/situation within our sphere of influence.  We are able to be powerful with it.  Finally, part of the underlying premise is that we are all One and all connected.

The history of Ho’oponopono is pretty fascinating; you can briefly check that out here and here. 

In this practice, you choose a person or situation where you feel conflict, resentment or grief.  You sit quietly, as you would for any meditation, and connect to a higher source of energy.  Next, you visualize a stage below you and invite the person or situation onto the stage.  Once you are connected and the person or situation is in front of you, you begin to repeat, “I’m sorry.  Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”  You can say these things aloud or just in your mind.  It might feel awkward at first, but continue to say it until you feel emotion and feel like you mean it. 

If you are comfortable with visualization, I think it is helpful to watch how the person or situation responds to you while they are on stage.  It will likely change as your emotion changes.  When you feel a shift or the pain of resentment, conflict or grief is no longer present, let the energy from that higher source fill your heart space, then direct that energy toward the person or situation on the stage until they are filled with that loving energy.  That’s it!  The practice can be repeated until you feel that the charge of the situation is gone.

I really didn’t feel the need to forgive the person that I practiced with because I wasn’t feeling anger or resentment.  However, I definitely knew that something was unresolved, so I went for it. 

Going into this practice, I thought I was going in to forgive this person.  Well, what ended up happening is that I became astoundingly present to the other person’s pain.  I felt a tremendous release of emotion and compassion for the other person’s experience.  I don’t mean that I hadn’t heard their words or seen the emotion in their face or in their actions.  I mean that I had not fully connected to it and felt it.  Clearly, I was not aware that I had not experientially (rather than intellectually…big difference!) understood.  Not allowing myself to connect to it resulted in energy/emotion being locked up for years.    

Often times, especially in my work with couples, people come in blaming their partner or feeling, at the very least, that their partner has some work to do.  Initially, it seems like people want validation from me and to help them fix their partner.  But, you know what? 

The biggest relief and progress I see is when people become aware of how they have contributed to creating what they are complaining about.  This happens when they are able to move beyond their experience or current intellectual understanding of what is going on.  In therapy, I am able to look with them, lovingly, into their history and put their way of dealing with things into perspective, which creates space to be accountable for what they have created in their relationship.  This forgiveness meditation is another way to move into that receptive and accountable space.

Being in that space brings people to tears.  Overwhelming love comes into their relationship in the moment that they get it.  They feel connected immediately and it changes long-standing relationship dynamics.  It is powerful to really get another person’s experience and to really forgive ourselves for what we have done to create what is painful in our lives. 

Again: when I heal, you heal.  And vice versa.

If you are like me and prefer to do this through a guided meditation, my favorite one is here.

When I Heal, You Heal

The question about whether taking care of oneself is selfish comes up a lot in therapy.  When I say taking care of oneself, I mean it on a number of levels: physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Everyone knows the oxygen mask theory from flying on airplanes:  you can’t put the oxygen mask on a child (or anyone else) without having put yours on first.  There is a lot of talk in the personal growth world about self care these days as well.  I’m loving that these conversations and ideas are spreading because it is beginning to undo some outdated beliefs related to giving and self sacrifice that just don’t work when living an authentic life. 

Today I want to talk about prioritizing your emotional and spiritual needs.  Yes, I get it.  This sounds selfish.  But, hang in there for a second.  This doesn’t mean “I feel like watching a movie on the couch right now instead of helping you check out that leak on the roof”.  No, I’m talking about times when you are spreading yourself too thin and you end up lashing out at your child, partner, coworker or being hysterical over something trivial.  Right there.  You might be putting other’s needs in front of yours and it just isn’t working out. 

It might be time to look at your obligations and who they are really about.  I know it is hard to disappoint or upset other people by saying no.  In the short run, it is easier to say yes and smile. In the long run, this is harder because you end up doing and being things you don’t want to do or be.  I think we can all relate to this.  The truth of it is: if we can take care of ourselves each step of the way and tolerate disappointing someone or allowing others to have their anger about when we say no, we can be at our best in all of our interactions, which is, in turn, better for the relationship.  On top of that, that person has a more intimate understanding of you and the relationship you share.

I want to take this a step further.  I believe this happens on a scarier and deeper level that is hard to look at.  I see people at a crossroads in important relationships with their family members and their partners.  The crossroads comes when a person realizes a truth about who they are, how they want to live or how they feel and this does not match the contract that was originally set up with their partner or family members.  The truth comes into awareness and it can create a lot of upheaval if it comes to light in the relationship or family.  So the choice is:  do I honor my authentic feelings or do I stay in this the way it is set up so as to spare the other person’s feelings? 

Let’s bring it into reality.  What am I talking about?  What about someone who is married to a partner of the opposite sex and realize they are gay and are in the wrong relationship even though they love their spouse?  What about someone who feels deeply compelled to pursue a dream that would take them away from their marriage or family?  What about someone who has been entrenched in alcoholic family dynamics and deep down know there is another way to live, but that this pulling away would cause a great deal of anger and chaos in the family?  This short little list is just off the top of my head.  I think you know what I am getting at.

Being connected to oneself, even just from time to time, you are going to encounter some deep knowing that might guide you places that you did not expect.  Following and honoring what you know deep down might initially hurt, scare or disappoint important people in your life.  [Of course, this is not something to do on a whim, but something that needs to be done mindfully.]  When you are living in alignment with who you really are, in alignment with the deep knowing, it creates space for other people to also be more aligned with who they really are.  What you do might force them into being in alignment through the pain they experience.  There might be a lot of protesting on their part.  But, maybe that is why they signed up to be with you in this life:  you were going to push them toward who they really are by being who you really are. 

On a spiritual level, each step we take toward growth and healing is a step for us all.  The pain I heal in myself, gives way for the pain in your self to be healed, even if you have no clue about the internal work I am doing.  The more authentic a life I live, the more space there is for you to live authentically.  And vice versa.  So, is that really selfish?

Happiness

Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.”

― Steve Maraboli

I think there is a habit we have of regarding happiness as a fundamental goal in life.  And, to be happy is pretty sweet.  I see why we want it for ourselves and for others.  It is an easeful state and it feels awesome.

However, if we are regarding it as a fundamental goal, I believe we are setting ourselves up for failure.  Here’s why.  It works against the natural ways of our human emotional system.  Health within that system means you can experience the entire range of human emotion.  The less resistance we have toward certain emotions, the more we can allow the emotional system to work the way it is designed:  for feelings simply to flow through us like wind through the trees.  Feelings come through to give us a message or feedback and then they are supposed to leave.  Clinging to them or resisting them is what causes discomfort (and, ultimately depression and anxiety).  So, having the goal of always being happy actually means clinging (to happiness) and resisting (other emotions).  See what I mean here?

Instead, how about we enjoy the hell out of those moments when the feeling flowing through is happiness?  Love it, be grateful for the nice, fun wave of happiness and feel it fully by being present.  And, then, how about we breathe through, build our tolerance to the feelings that are not as easy to be with like fear, sadness, disappointment?  If you can build your ability to tolerate those more uncomfortable emotions, you actually will be able to feel the good stuff (excitement, happiness, love) even more.  And, you are able to move through those states quicker so you can get back to the easy, fun feelings.

The reality of human life is that there are going to be “problems” (or circumstances we don’t prefer) and we are going to experience unpleasant emotions.  So, let’s work with that rather than go against it.  When you go with it and have the ability to deal with the things that come up, you have freedom and ease and happiness will be sprinkled in there more often than if we just cling to happiness as a fundamental life goal.

I do wish for everyone to experience the full volume of their happiness when it is with them.  And, I wish for you and for myself something even more powerful: to be at ease.  That is the overarching goal of what I do for a living.  By focusing on building the skills to be at ease, I see my clients experiencing more happiness.

The Gap

Happy New Year!  I'm feeling excited about beginning the new year in a new way with You Are Human after taking a short break for the holidays.  Since we have made it all the way through initial intention of this blog (to look at David Richo's book When Love Meets Fear) and I am clear that I want to keep writing, I am using a more intuitive method of knowing what I want to write about.  This may be a theme that is presenting itself in my work or one that comes to me as I continue pursuing a variety of sources of wisdom.  The way I know what I will write is the synchronicity of the theme or just the way the idea resonates, if I feel an excitement about it.  My goal is to write weekly, however, we will see how the inspiration flows!

This week, I want to write about a teaching from author Pema Chondron in her book, Comfortable with Uncertainty.  She discusses the concept of refraining and describes it as the "quality of not grabbing for entertainment the minute we feel a slight edge of boredom coming on.  It's the practice of not immediately filling up space just because there is a gap" (p. 33).

I feel like this is such a relevant topic given that we have our phones at our fingertips every moment.  Don't you see everywhere you go, people staring at their phones?  At restaurants sitting with loved ones, walking their dog, in cars, in beautiful places?  I walked by a group of four people on the beach, here in Costa Rica, the other day and all four people were staring at their phones.  Really??!?!?  At the beach, in beautiful paradise?  Yes.  AND, I am guilty of these things.  I actually use this as a gauge to know how connected I am with myself and the present moment.  If I feel the urge to check my phone every three seconds, that lets me know I am quite disconnected.  That means I need to slow down and check out what is happening, whether that is focusing on my senses, sitting in meditation, or inquiring inside about what it is I'm wanting to avoid.

The moments between, the gap between our thoughts, words or actions, are scary, but also rich.  Pema Chondron suggests that we are trying to avoid a "basic groundlessness".  Yes, the truth is we are living constantly in uncertainty and the fact that we are ultimately alone (one of the four givens of life David Richo discusses), even though there are things we have in our life to help us feel secure and like we are not alone.  These are uncomfortable truths and those moments between are a chance for that basic groundless to show up.  So, we cover it up with distractions.  

But is the pain of it really that bad?  That we need to disconnect, not be present to this miraculous moment, fill that space with unnecessary habits that aren't supporting our very best self (i.e. negative thinking, emotional eating, using substances, creating drama, complaining or any other insidious self destructive habit)?  Have you checked if it is really that bad?  What happens inside if you let the gap be there?  When you let it be, what shows up?  

When I was reading this the other morning, I checked.  Wow, I'm so grateful I did.  Want to know why?  Because I found out two things.  1.  I can totally handle the gap.  I know there are other times that the gap is more difficult, but I'm willing to do it more since the reward was so big.  2.  I found out about a thought process that I have had going on for years, that often will derail my whole energy for hours or a day at a time.  It is a story line I BELIEVED and had lots of feelings about, was what was filling the gap.  And, the story isn't even true!!!  Wow.  What a gift, just from pausing to see what happened in the gap because I read this teaching.  I have wasted lots of conversations, tears and distress on a little story line my sneaky brain made up just so I didn't have to deal with the basic truth of life's uncertainty.  It makes me laugh out loud!  How ridiculous.  

So, do a little experiment, find out what habits are sneaking around in the gap.  How is that habit impacting you?  If you like it, keep it!  If you see that it is causing you distress, you have a chance to loosen the hold it has on you because you now know it's game.  That habit is just there to fill the gap and if you can handle the gap, even half the time, that habit doesn't have as much of a purpose.  

For a different take on this very topic: check out this what comedian Louis CK says in this interview on Conan called The Unusually Deep Revelations of a Hard Ass Dad.  I love that he manages to get across a deep and important point with so much humor!