Every Way is Our Way

“Enlightenment is not a prize at the end of the race or search but finally being present in the world as it is.  As long as we are looking for something from the world, we never really see it as it is, as the pick pocket never sees the wizard, but only his pockets!  We reclaim the world and the moment as ours whenever we drop the desire to make things come out our way and simply let things happen, trusting that every way is our way.  We remind ourselves of what Govinda said, ‘The certainty that nothing can happen to us that does not in our innermost being belong to us is the foundation of fearlessness’” (p. 203).

This week, all I am going to write about is this small excerpt.  It says so much. 

First of all, it is important to realize that our work toward higher consciousness and higher level functioning is never done.  We are human!  There is no end of the road or “there” to get to.  We are in constant evolution. It would help us all to get super cozy with the concept of being in process.  I fully know and accept this and was kindly reminded of it today.  Yes, that’s also part of the human deal:  you get it, then you lose it, you get it, then you lose it.  The game is: how fast can you get your awareness back on track?  One merciful part of the process is that usually the more times you “get” something, the deeper you integrate it.

The issue of trying to get our way by controlling outcomes is what I want to talk about.  Let’s just put it out there right away:  when we are strategizing mentally, coercing, convincing, pressuring, nagging or getting angry to make things come out the way we want, that is called controlling.    Don’t worry, we need to be in action and control things to some extent.  Where we want to look is where we are over doing it.  When we are over doing it, it is likely that we are not accepting some part of reality and wasting our energy fighting against the flow or we are getting in our own way.  Most of the time, over controlling comes from fear.

Here are a couple of ways to address this:

1. Realize the importance of equanimity.  My general understanding is “I do my work and allow others to do theirs”.   We need to let things around us do their work.  Cooking a steak in pan?  Leave it alone and let it char for a while.  Baking cookies?  You don’t want to keep opening the oven every two minutes.  You let the oven do the work.  Realize what is beyond your control or not yours to do.  It is that way for a reason!

2.  You can ask yourself:  is there anything I am not willing to see and accept right now?  Usually what you are not seeing is quite simple, it fits into a 10 second truth.  It’s important to look for this because trying to over control comes from not wanting something to be true that actually is true.  There is a lot of pain and wasted energy in not being able to be with the world as it is and our circumstances as they are.  There is actually beauty and perfection, right now, all around you.  It’s a question of whether we are present to it or not. 
3. Consider the possibility that everything is EXACTLY as it should be in this very moment.  Even if it is difficult or painful.  Human beings have an intrinsic drive toward growth (growth doesn’t always happen when things are easy) and we are imperfect, so pain is inevitable.  When we are trying to control, we are often trying to avoid pain.  Resetting back to the consideration that everything is exactly as it is means you don’t have to control any outcomes.
4. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to whatever the feeling is in response to the reality that is in front of you that you are not liking.  Yes, it is OK to be sad or worried about your child being held back a grade in school.  And, it might be the very best thing for them.  Yes, it is OK to not want to have surgery AND it might be what your body needs to get better.  Just because it is for the best in the long run, doesn’t mean your feelings about it shouldn’t get their day in the sun. 
5. Being connected to yourself and present to the world is really the safest way to operate.  Why?  Because all the resources and wisdom you need are inside you and everything in the world around you is exactly as it needs to be for your life’s mission.  We get ourselves into trouble when we are disconnected and avoidant of the truth around us, when we try to control the truth of what is around us.  If you can be connected, the feelings you have about a situation will do their job of giving you the message of what needs to come next.  The idea is to learn how to let those feelings be and learn what they mean.  How can you be connected?  Start tuning in to your interior world.  Write, talk, notice the sensations occurring in your body in response to what is happening.  How do you be present to the world?  Slow down, be mindful, meditate, try to see things with new eyes.

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".  

10 Elements of Heart Led Decision Making

Sometimes it seems like David Richo’s book is alive…whatever I am going to write about matches conversations and thoughts that have been coming up in my work and life.  In this section, David Richo is not exactly saying these elements are about heart led decision making, he calls it a “list of healthy discernment criteria” (p. 189).  The way I see it, he is talking about being able to make decisions in a way that honors the full spectrum of our human capabilities and aligning with the forces that are at play around us.  I’m loving what he says...

1. As human beings, we are able to know without confusion.  I believe that confusion comes from getting in our own way.  As David Richo says, sometimes confusion comes from “moods, whims, fears, addictions, logic or coercion” (p. 189).  All the truth we need to know in this life comes from inside us.  These forces listed by David Richo are forces that may obscure the clarity of our truth, which is why it is important to sharpen our interior awareness and build the skills to be still and listen.  If you are feeling confused, it is time to write about it, talk through it with someone who is willing to listen without adding their two cents or to sit in meditation to still the noise of all the forces so you can see the truth that is definitely held inside you.
2. Whatever it is that you want to do is something you have consistently wanted to do.  It is not a passing excitement or a reaction to pain.  It is something that is calling your attention daily for a period of time.  My parents instilled this in us.  Being four children, we had to share rooms growing up and we would want to change rooms because we would get mad at each other or feeling particularly close to one another.  Each time we came to them requesting to change rooms, they would say, “As long as you feel that way 30 days from now, you guys can make the change”. 
3. You are talking about what you want to do with significant people.  This means you are talking with people who will be touched by your decision, but also that you are looking around for people who have gone before you on the path you want to travel.  Of course, you might not find a person who has done exactly what you want to do, but you want to be looking at people who approximate this.  Finally, it is helpful to talk with others who are simply good mirrors, not giving their opinion, but able to clearly see and reflect back what you are saying and feeling so that you can see as much of yourself in the decision as you can.  We are complex as human beings and can feel lots of ways about important decisions.  We don’t always consciously perceive all that we know and feel about a situation. 
4. “Vocation happens where bliss meets talent” (p. 190).  Yes, David Richo is talking about the important aspect of being able to have the skills to execute what you want to do.  If that is making a career move, it doesn’t mean you have to know everything about the new field, but, instead, do you have the passion, follow through and openness to get the training you need for the transition?  If you want to get married to your partner, do you have the skills to sustain a healthy relationship and commitment?
5. You are committed to the goal enough to weather the inevitable storm of challenges that you will face as you do what you want to do.  Realize that the going is going to get tough, whether that is internally (fear, doubt) or externally (circumstances are challenging).  So are you willing to wade through those?
6. Right action.  What you want to do is sound morally and ethically.  “It is based on love and self-esteem, not on aggression, ego or self-depreciation” (p. 190).
7. Doubt.  This seems like a peculiar element, but I love that David Richo included it.  It’s true, there is something missing when we think we know something 100%.  That means there is no openness to any other possibility, any discovery or any creativity.  Healthy doubt leaves the window open a little in a room for the air to circulate and stay fresh.
8. “You have been noticing an inner confirmation of your choice through dreams, intuitions and synchronicities (meaningful coincidence)” (p. 190).  That’s just simple and clear, I can’t really add to it.  So I’ll leave it at that!
9. “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen” –Ralph Waldo Emerson.  David Richo talks about the fact that making a decision that is right for you usually results in things around you aligning to support that decision.  All of the sudden, someone mentions a program that exactly suits your needs in transitioning to your new career or a business partner shows up that is looking for someone with your exact skills.  The things that happen to support your decision are things that occur beyond what you could consciously design.  David Richo says:  “This is the wind-horse again, the successful interplay of effort and grace, of steps followed by shifts” (p. 190). 
10. You can sense the rightness of your choice inside.  It is looking around or doing something and feeling deeply “I am in the right place” or “I am doing the right thing”.  In my experience, this is usually a knowing that defies or goes beyond logic. 

In our lifetime, we are faced with big decisions that scare us because they have potential for tremendous impact.  These decisions need to be made because our light, love and life are hanging in the balance.  These are the best criteria I have come across to help guide us through decisions we need to make to live FULLY. 

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".  

This is a Gift

This week, I am going to continue talking about what David Richo calls “the void”, as he continues to discuss in the next section of the book.  One of the main points he makes when discussing the void is that there is nothing to do.  In the void, we are in suspense, not knowing how big it is or whether there will be something that comes next.  He says “all we can do is adjust ourselves to its midnight” (p. 90).

From what I understand, David Richo, in this section, is essentially saying the void is the experience of the ego dying.  In the void, we start to experience acceptance somewhere inside us that we are not in full control, that we are not exactly entitled to the comfort of feeling good or being in control.  The ego is entitled.  The ego insists that we have the right to be happy, to avoid going through things that cause discomfort.  The ego has lots of awesome tricks for finding ways around unpleasantness.   The trouble with these tricks is that they don’t work in the long run and sometimes foreclose on opportunities for growth.

Hold on, now.  Just because the power of the ego is dying in the void doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be happy or choose happiness.  It doesn’t mean that we should choose for things to be “hard” and to “suffer”.  No.  It means there is something much more out there for us than just happiness. At a retreat recently, one of the instructors was saying that people find a spiritual path and become involved with a practice with the intention of being happy in their lives (or something close to happiness).  But, he said, as we go further down the road and experience happiness, we see something off in the distance that is much more grand.  It is freedom.  Freedom to go through life experiencing fully and being at peace with our human experience even when it is seemingly unpleasant. 

So, the “void, then, really means void of ego with all its protective devices and boundaries” (p. 87).  The ego, what is familiar, is ending and what will come isn’t there yet.  And we are blind, there is no way to know what will come.  Knowing that would mean we had some control over the experience, some way to comfort ourselves.  But that is the point.  There is nothing in the void.  There needs to be nothing in order for us to be present to the space of the void.  “We drop that final, childish belief that there is always something that will do it for us, always a way around a given instead of a way through it” (p. 91).    We just be and let go of control.  There are forces much bigger than us at play.  When we let go of control, we can start to experience the power of those forces.  David Richo says: “the only obstacle to grace-access to a power beyond my own mind or will-is control” (p. 92).

Happiness and moments of comfort are a gift.  So are moments of discomfort as they inform us about what we need to realize.  The call to the void is also a gift.  In my estimation, it is the biggest gift one could possibly receive in this human life.  If we try to control either those moments of happiness, discomfort or the darkness of the void, we are interrupting an important process: grace.  Whether it is interrupting the impermanent nature of human emotion or the precious process of awakening, it is interrupting the experience of a tremendous gift in this life.  So be still.  Allow.  Be humble in the discomfort.  In these ways, we can experience the freedom of working with our humanness, removing resistance to our nature, which makes space for much bigger things.  As I write this, I am aware of the fact that I have to constantly remind myself of these gifts and remember not to reject or push away gifts that I don’t feel like accepting at the moment.  It really is a practice. 

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".  

The Void

For the next couple of weeks, the discussion is going to be about what David Richo calls “the void”.  We have talked about pausing before we respond to triggers and feelings, creating space rather than filling it.  We have talked about the evolution of the ego from pain to freedom.  The void is what David Richo says we confront when our neurotic ego (all the parts of us that were formed in response to pain) and functional ego (healthy human parts) surrender to the Self (part of a bigger consciousness). 

David Richo describes it as a spiritual crisis, a “spiritual stair that is not there” (p. 84).  It is not there because it is the void.  In that void, we are alone and facing emptiness.  It is space where there is nothing that can soothe the discomfort that accompanies the process.  It is when all that has worked before to bring you out of a dark place no longer works.  It is not a depression, but feels like one; it seems like it will never end.  While I can describe it to you and tell you what might be on the other side, this would not comfort you if you were in the process of what has also been called “the dark night of the soul” and “encircling doom” (p. 83). 

In this process, there can be the sense of hopelessness because the old ways of feeling better don’t work.  You are racking your brain to think about why you feel so bad and there is no clear reason.   There can also be a great deal of shame, an emotion I personally find virtually unbearable.  It is shameful because the ego is being dethroned and, for that to happen, we have to question everything about it so we can realize that it is a fraud that has caused a lot of drama and fear.  From what I can tell the shame comes in that process of questioning and doubting what we think is our real self (which makes sense because we have only known ourselves as the ego until we confront the void).

This is such a rich topic and I know I will need to revise this and write more about it in future posts, but I want to leave it at this for now.  I love the fact that there could be something occurring inside our experience as human beings that may be painful but does not mean there is something “wrong”.  Just like when babies are teething, they are crying because it is painful (hard objects are breaking through flesh!), however, it doesn’t mean there is something “wrong” with them.  It is not a “problem” that needs to be “solved”.  It is not “bad”.  It is simply a human process.  Not fun, but what is on the other side is awesome and necessary for healthy development.  Hey!  I didn’t design the system, OK!?  I’m just a part of it, observing it, and hopefully, helping people understand our nature so we can work with it more successfully rather than wasting our existence resisting it.

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".